When the Europeans came
by Not another narwhale
Summary: The Brits give Moana's village some much-needed colonizing.


The village was peaceful. After years of war with other tribes, the annihilation *ahem* "transformation" of their wonderful and sacred god Te Fiti had united all of them. The villagers all made sacrifices (and dank memes) to honor their god. The Chief of the village foretold a golden age, one where all people lived in harmony.

He was wrong- very, very wrong.

Captain Fred Uxbridge Charles Kaiser and his friend, Admiral Samuel Saunders, Commanded several regiments of soldiers, with the intention of conquering any new lands they came across. Their troops were in three glorious ships of the line; the HMS Idiot, the HMS Loser and the best of them all, the HMS Crapsworth. All three had impressive arrays of 21 pounder cannons, which had the combined firepower of 10 and 9 pounders.

On the ship, a collection of sailors and soldiers resided in agony. On the HMS Idiot, the 2nd militia, a force of hastily drawn conscripts, sat on the deck. ON the HMS loser, the 666th foot resided. And on the Crapsworth were the Coldstream guards, the finest soldiers in all of Great Britain.

Weeks had passed since their departure from Gibraltar and provisions were running low. The men spoke in low voices about mutiny and revolt. But on the eve of September 10th, land was spotted. The men cheered.

The captain and the admiral, meanwhile, were busy making battle preparations.

The coming of the three ships caused a massive commotion in the village. Everyone stopped what they were doing and ran towards the ships. Even Moana's senile old grandmother ran to the ships, although she got a heart attack doing so. Nobody cared, they were all watching the ships. The captain wanted to attack immediately, but Admiral Saunders talked him out of it.

"We should attack now, rather then let them dig in and build fortifications." said Kaiser.

"No. They seem completely infatuated with us and believe us all of us to be gods, even those damned militiamen." the admiral countered.

"That cursed religion of theirs!" said Kaiser angrily,"It'll bring death to them all, and eternity in the center of hell! But, what if they're faking, and they kill us all in the night?"

"I don't think they will. And also, we could easily destroy them in battle. We can let the militia stay awake day and night watching for attackers, and the others can relax. Militia lives don't matter!"

"Okay."

The men all walked of the cramped ships and headed towards the villagers. Moana, who had become chief of the village after overthrowing her father two days ago, walked out to greet them.

"Hello." she said simply

"Greetings", said the captain

"We have come to make friends and forge alliances." said Admiral Saunders. "I predict this meeting to be the beginning of a wonderful friendship!"

"Thank you." said Moana. There was an awkward silence.

"Well, we shall see you soon." said the admiral and they walked off. The villagers sang a cringy religious song to honour the army and its leaders and got back to the useless tasks they had been doing. The captain and the admiral walked to the army, and quietly spread the word that the attack would be in three days.

Three days. Just three days.

The homosexual Moana was-

"HOW DARE YOU CALL ME HOMOSEXUAL!"

Jesus, what a homophobic. Anyways, the heterosexual Moana was in her palace. She had built it, forcing villagers to give their goods to pay for it. Most of it was still under construction. She thought about the Europeans and what they might do. She didn't trust them, but she could not express her feelings to the villagers- the village would surely be attacked. Attacking _them_ wasn't an option either- the villagers would never do it.

So, knowing there was no solution to this, she drove a stone knife into her stomach.

Wait, what?

Captain Kaiser was ordering the men into formation, while Admiral Saunders oversaw the cannons they had brung. Three days had passed- it was time. Spies had reported that the only "weapons" the villagers had were wooden clubs and simple slingshots. The elite warrior society, that had been used to fight other tribes had stone knives and bone spears. They would be no match for the muskets, swords and metal cuirasses. One other useful piece of information was that the chief had committed suicide. The enemy would be leaderless.

"Time to die, barbarians." the captain murmured to himself as he donned his helmet.

The army marched into the village, slaying all in their path, before meeting a substantial body of warriors. The battle had begun.

The militia were the first to face the villager's feeble wrath. About 30 or so villagers charged at them without orders. They all died. Another 40 or so villagers charged again. They died as well. A group of villagers with slingshots tried to skirmish the musketmen. Unsurprisingly, they died as well. The villager horde had lost about a fifth of its troops.

Then, when things couldn't get any worse for the villager horde, the drug addict Maui joined the battle. He fired a ball of pure energy at the militia, killing a few. The militia fired a volley at him, but he turned into an insect before the bullets would have hit him.

"Thanks a lot, bastard!" Yelled Captain Kaiser.

"What can I saaaay except your welcome." Maui started singing.

The Militia fled in terror, and the 666th foot took their place. The professional soldiers did not run at the horrid song. They fired upon the pot addict and almost hit him. Saunders, who was watching from a distance, was tired of it and ordered his soldiers to bombard Maui with their heavy artillery. Maui died, and the universe rejoiced.

The battle was not yet over. The rest of the villagers charged into melee, and many of them actually reached the line infantry. The 666th foot dropped their guns and drew swords, while the elite forces provided firing support.

In the end, the elite infantry charged into melee and drove back the villagers. As the villagers ran, the remaining soldiers fired in their backs. It was a clear victory for the British.

And so, the long and horrible legacy of Moana's village faded away, as the movie's popularity undoubtedly will.

Originally, the British had planned to enslave the colony and make them work on their new plantation, but they couldn't. While the villagers were slaving away, they sang songs. The songs were so horrible that even Captain Kaiser and Admiral Saunders were terrified. In the end, all all the villagers were executed. The old structures were set on fire. Some colonists came over, and a colony was started.

Sadly, the fledgling colony never became all that large or powerful. A lack of funding meant that the colonists were all very poor, and eventually they all left.

As for captain Kaiser and Admiral Saunders, they drank so much whisky that they got liver cancer and died.

And so, the sordid tale of the destruction of Moana's village came to an anticlimactic end.

 **Alternate ending:**

 **Moana doesn't kill herself, and isn't an evil tyrant. Also, Maui isn't an idiot. Yay!**

 **Please try not to hate too much on this story, it's my first fanfic ever. Really. It is.**

The 2nd militia advanced, stopping in front of the villagers, and then opening fire. They were met with multiple volleys of arrows from the villagers, and they quickly fled. In the back of the villager line, Moana gave encouragements and raised morale. Then, the 666th foot came forward. Now the battle was getting serious.

Meanwhile, Kaiser and Saunders were busy getting drunk, listening to Elvis Presley, and talking about how rich they thought they were going to be and how many promotions they would receive for their valiant service.

The 666th foot did much better than the militia and were winning the battle, when a melee charge from both sides defeated and routed them. The Guards came forward and fired a volley into the villagers, who then retreated. The archers were running out of arrows, and the villagers were wavering. Suddenly Maui magically came in. He had come in through the back of the island. He greatly helped the villagers in their battle.

They were still losing when some divine intervention in the form of a hurricane came in. The hurricane crashed into the ranks of the British, but didn't hit the villagers. The guards fled, knowing they could blame it all on the militia later.

The three ships were unaffected by the hurricane, and they were allowed to leave. The captain and the admiral were too drunk to notice.

And so they all lived happily ever after...

Except for the British, that is, who were plotting an attack the next year.

 **The end... not.**


End file.
